Holding joy at arm’s length; bracing for an interruption in the beauty of life, before it even has the chance to become a memory to hold, seems to be something I am guilty of. Please tell me you’ve done the same! Grief often has a way of teaching my heart to flinch – to anticipate a negative outcome, even in the midst of something good. It only makes sense, given what I’ve been through. My sorrow has rewritten my story, and squeezed its hands around the belief that nothing good can remain. Not every smile is temporary though – sometimes, believe it or not, good things really do just happen!
Holding joy at arm’s length isn’t necessary for something beautiful to begin. God knows I’ve been guilty of being afraid to hope for the best, anticipate a good outcome, to laugh without perusing the horizon for what might go wrong next! It’s such a hard habit to break when it seems like my soul and spirit have been pounded into the dirt, so many times, with repeated losses. When my son died, almost 7 years ago, I couldn’t imagine any worse pain or sorrow. Surely, God wouldn’t expect more suffering from me! This had to be it. But no, it wasn’t. There was more on the horizon; different types of grief and loss, mainly chronic health issues and the emotional trauma that can last a lifetime from that trial. When it seems like the tightening of the screw is constant, one pain after another, it makes me feel like having hope is too lofty a dream. But one important lesson I am learning is that joy doesn’t have to be analyzed or maintained to be safe. I am allowed to step into each moment of life completely – without separating my heart between what is and what could be. This doesn’t dishonor my grief – it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten my beloved ones – it just means I’m still alive, and I’m still able to receive good things.
I don’t have to hold joy at arms length , because there’s healing in allowing beauty and life to reach my troubled soul without resistance.
NOT EVERY BLESSING CARRIES A HIDDEN COST
NOT EVERY PEACEFUL SEASON IS A SET UP FOR PAIN
Sometimes it’s just grace-mercy that has been freely given! If you’re like me and have lived in survival mode way too long, allowing joy to be the first reaction might feel very unfamiliar or even unsafe. I’m learning that my heart doesn’t have to stay guarded all the time – I can let go and loosen my grip, my anxiety about what might be, just a little bit.
RECEIVE IT
Embrace the warmth of a moment that requires nothing but your presence-don’t think ahead to the “what if.“ What a waste of time it is to prepare for loss before it even arrives! Right here, right now, as you read these words, there is something good to be imagined and claimed, and there doesn’t have to be any interruption from grief.
I believe this is a kindness from God, not overbearing and loud, but steady and quiet. It’s a gentle reminder that not everything is meant to hurt. Even after heavy, life altering sorrow, there can still be joy and peace. Even after this horrible loss, there can still be laughter without betrayal. Enjoying what’s right in front of us is absolutely necessary for self-care. We are not guaranteed the next moment, so we are allowed to feel joy and love and goodness without apology.
When the instincts of the old you begin to intensify, and they tell you that you have no business, expecting joy,
PAUSE.
BREATHE.
Remind yourself that this is a gift from God, and we are allowed to receive it. We don’t have to hold joy at arms length.
If you’re learning how to receive this Grace once again, here are a couple of resources that might help.
246.0 Frozen by Fear? How to Experience Freedom in God When Anxiety Overwhelms. |
https://a.co/d/06k9n50z A Grief Observed
