Boxes and more boxes were pulled out of the attic much earlier this year! I decided to begin decorating our home for the holidays before Thanksgiving which I usually shy away from doing. Many days are spent thinking, planning and creating a warm welcoming inviting for our friends and family as we celebrate the beautiful season. Some would say I go over the top. I would probably agree. It is exhausting, honestly. I clear my schedule and tell my family and friends that I have to have laser focus and 12 uninterrupted hours of time each day creating.
It was a Saturday afternoon and I was covered in glitter from head to toe. The house was cluttered with boxes. Bows and ornaments were placed all over the chairs and the couch as I was strategizing their placement. I was weary but enjoying the time spent thinking about so many little details.
I began to ask myself that question. Why am I spending so much time on something my family and friends would be happy just seeing a simply decorated tree? I let that question quickly pass through my thoughts and carried on. My husband walked into the family room dodging the tissue paper strewn all over the floor and asked….
It was then that it hit me. It wasn’t to show off pretty decorations or how I creatively put things together for some sort of ambiance… It was something else… I looked up at him with tears in my eyes and said to him, “It is because I sense a closeness to my mother when I do this.” (I have tears now thinking about it.)
I began to explain that every year throughout my childhood I would come home from school or college to a beautifully decorated home that she would do by herself. I can still see the beautiful fruit greenery climbing up the banister of our stairs. Our beautifully knitted stockings were truly hung with care on the mantle. She created a warm and comforting place for us to recharge, relax and enjoy time together as a family.
I would give anything for her to walk into my home today and feel the warmth and love I tried to create for her to enjoy for a change. That won’t happen because I lost her to a cancer battle 34 years ago. The grief is still there, but I have learned to live with it. It is this time of year that I pay homage to her. Miss her deeply. I know she would be proud.
This is part of my grief journey and I will carry on.