If there is one thing I have learned so far on this journey, it is that grief is fluid. What I mean is that my feelings can range from deciding that the worst has passed, and maybe life can be normal once again, to a whole new level of agony, wondering if the horrific pain and sorrow will ever end.
I think we keep trying to button down this grieving thing so that we can tell ourselves that we’re back in control. Just when it seems like ground is being gained, the earth shifts beneath us. This can occur for any number of reasons—perhaps those anniversaries are coming up—birthdays, death days, holidays.
For me, lately, some triggers have been that my son’s friends are getting married, having babies, making career advances. It breaks my heart to know my Levi won’t experience those things, and that we can’t be witness to them, too. It’s just not fair! Maybe you saw someone in a crowd who looked like your beloved…or maybe it’s every single morning, opening your eyes to the realization that they really are gone…
Do you ever feel like this grief process is taking too long, or allow the expectations of others to push you a little too quickly? We all process these emotions differently, and must make every effort to not suppress our grief and give it the time it needs. We are not robots—we are human creations, made for expression.
So, all I can do is what I can do today—not admonish myself for feeling exactly what I need to feel, and know that this process is going to bring a new level of truth into my life.