Sleep…why do you elude me?
I haven’t slept through the night since my eldest, Levi, was born over 26 years ago.
I guess it’s a mom/worry/“what if they need me” thing. I now have many circumstances that keep a good nights rest an elusive dream for me, on top of that mom thing: grief, pain, medicine side affects. When I do sleep, it’s only in 1 1/2 to 2 hour increments, then struggle to go back to sleep, repeat,
Tonight, I had dozed off about 11:00 pm, and was awakened with a horrible feeling…a sense of foreboding. Ever had that happen?
It reminded me of the last night we saw Levi. I somehow KNEW I wouldn’t see him again—a sixth sense, if you will. It rattled me so, I couldn’t go back to sleep, and felt compelled to check on and text my sister, who lives 20 minutes away, and my middle son, who doesn’t live at home. They were fine, thankfully.
I really dislike this about myself. I want to have so much trust and faith in God that I can rest at night. I want to have the childlike assurance that Daddy is taking care of me; that I’m completely safe and sound—no need in being anxious about a thing. It’s all under control.
But when the reality of life and death stare you down in those unanticipated, unplanned-for moments, and loss seems like more of a constant companion than even your closest friend or spouse, it’s a challenge to release the mindset of the “what ifs” and the sad belief system that life IS just about that…not only loss, but also whatever is to come in the next life.
We will die. Those we care about will, too.
I am Christian and believe what the Bible says. Christ will return some day, and the ones who have trusted Him with their lives will NOT die but meet Him in the air. I have no way of knowing the possibility of whether I will experience this always hoped for return of the Lord–so, accepting the fact of death is more practical.
The only way I know how is to try not to think about it too much…
And acknowledging the fact that no one knows when our time will come. I certainly found it hard to believe my 24 year old, just beginning his life, would be chosen to go on ahead of me. How does that make sense?
And it’s something I will mostly likely not understand…EVER….
But I hope we can all live a life of trust and faith—one where the fear of the unknown doesn’t overpower the LIVING of a potentially beautiful life…this is my prayer for us all.