I rambled up to a window at the county clerks office, all ready to pay my vehicle registrations and taxes due. But no; I got out of the car and basically left everything I needed, except the check, on the console of the car. I didn’t have my insurance card, nor the notice, so they couldn’t just look the info up; they needed VIN or license plate numbers. I would venture to say that no one in the world has this memorized. I didn’t even have my phone with me to open up the auto insurance app, which would have all the info I needed. This was just the beginning of the faux pas this day, and I attribute them all to GRIEF BRAIN.
Now, it took me a good week at least to muster up the gumption to even PLAN on taking care of these menial tasks. I not only have the death of my eldest son on my mind, but I also contend with physical disability that affects the most basic chores. I have come to realize this grief brain is the root of my lack of care or concern for so many things…and this scares me.
Grief brain is a real phenomenon that happens when someone you love dearly dies. It may come from being in shock and disbelief. The symptoms include forgetfulness, fogginess, the inability to find words to express yourself and concentrate and even participate in everyday life.Lisa Schardein, Co-Founder of First Hour Grief Resonse, Inc.
Am I clinically depressed? Possibly.
Do I need to see someone who knows about grief? Probably.
Do I have the energy or determination to seek out help and follow through and make an appointment? Not really.
Should I be worried about my mental health, which is most definitely affecting my physical and spiritual health? ABSOLUTELY!
But the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. I believe this applies in my situation as well. It happens to us all, I’m sure—knowing something needs to change, but not having the fortitude to make it happen. Whether it’s losing weight, or forming better daily habits of routine, or reading or praying—no one can FORCE us into submission. These are all things that we have to want to want to change.
And I DO! But I have to be ready.
But I can’t force myself (nor can anyone else) to finally get to that last sentence of negativity, where we dare to dream that hope and change are possible.
What do I do until then?
I keep trying. I keep praying. I take it easy on myself and know that I am not alone, and that the failures and
mess-ups are just part of being human—they aren’t necessarily a picture of my failure as a person.
There were more flubs that resulted from my outing the other day, but I’ll not bore you with the details. I finally just wept. Crying really is therapeutic. Once I got it all out, cursed myself for being so stupid and lazy, the Holy Spirit of GOD spoke in my brain, “now you know that’s not true.” I know I’m not stupid and lazy. I know that grief and loss have changed everything about me. I know that things will get better…for a while…and then they might get bad again, then tolerable. I don’t know, I don’t have a crystal ball.
What is the point of this story?
Grief brain is real.
You aren’t alone.
You’re not crazy or lazy.
You are worthy of good things, and happier days.
There is help to be had—reach out.
HOPE is the most amazing word in the English language.
Music helps me so much…IF I will just turn it on! This song has helped me lately. I hope it helps you, too. Please comment, fill out the contact info on the website, whatever you feel comfortable doing, if you need someone to just listen. Don’t try this alone…