July 2, 2019 changed my world! One of the richest gifts was bestowed on this mom! My first biological grandchild entered the world! My grandson, Tate, was born to my daughter and her husband at 10:40 p.m. So many emotions filled my heart, soul and mind as I witnessed his birth!
Let me take a step back because I have to be honest, the days leading up to his birth weren’t always easy. I believe my husband and my office staff saw that I wasn’t totally present or focused as well as a bit emotional. Periodically strong triggers would hit as the nine months of my daughter’s pregnancy unfolded. Her dad, my late husband, was not witnessing this milestone in our lives. We lost him 8 years ago to suicide.
I would run into that emotional wall where pieces of anger would bubble up and then the tears would come and the hole in my heart would appear. Dang it… My reality is not the sweet little family unit I knew for 25 years. Her daddy is supposed to be here getting excited with me, cracking a few jokes, sharing the dreams of showing Tate how to fish at the pond, teaching him about the cows in the pasture or learning to drive a tractor. All of those dreams are gone.
As I experience the amazing and wonderful new days of grandparenthood I knew I needed to acknowledge the triggers I was experiencing. I practiced self care which I have found is not selfish but necessary. I shared with loved ones I was having a difficult moment, hour or day which helped them to know where I was on this journey. I met with my children and we openly shared how we were feeling and what we were experiencing before Tate’s birth. Once Tate arrived I was emotionally able to be present and enjoy the amazing blessing from God! There were tears of pure joy and gratitude.
Today, I look into that little boy’s eyes and whisper in his ear. I tell him that I will share many sweet memories about his grandad. He will know what a wonderful dad he was to his mother and uncle. He will hear about the funny things his grandad used to say or do. We will share the family stories and pictures that are precious to all of us.